Our Long National Nightmare Is Over (Austen-era-in-review) [SPOILERS]
"So, it's finally over."
"What was it, two or three years?"
"Can't we just say "it was too long", and move on?"
"No way, bub! We're gonna look back over The Austen Years, review them and look at what went wrong."
"Do we have
to? Claremont's giving me my own love-triangle, because....someone must
have demanded it! I want to get back to that!"
"Yeah, I gotta go Genosha sometime eventually, too."
"You can wait, bub! This is gonna be fun. We come not to praise Austen, but to bury him!"
"Fun? uh...yeah. So, yeah,
it seemed to start well enough. Read sort of like a lite-version of the
Lobdell/Nicieza days, maybe, but for the readers who didn't want
Claremont OR Morrison, that looked like the way to go."
"It was fun, we had some laughs, Juggernaut showed up..."
"...and someone finally remembered Black Tom got turned into a man-tree, after they just kind of forgot in the late '90s."
"And I got to be written as something resembling myself, when I went to recruit Sammy the Fish Boy."
"Keep it together, bub. Real men don't cry."
"And I was sounding more like myself when I got to appear in UXM, too."
retrospect, you can see where things were going to go wrong, from the
introduction of Flatscan Annie, to the way I lost my blue, which always
seemed a little like bad fan-fic. And now Beast and Nightcrawler won't
hang with me anymore."
"You're a traitor to the blue-man cause!"
then, it seemed like fairly harmless fun comics. I took advantage of
Chuck's forgiving nature, and came to stay with you, bonded with Sammy,
"You big unstoppable wuss."
"Then I joined up, and...served no purpose beyond being your Token Gay Guy."
"And you couldn't stop reminding us all, could you?"
"And I got all bitter,
which, despite some fan-complaints, was a good thing, because my
'mid-20s-crisis' actually fit my going-nowhere-slowly situation, and it
was the first thing ANYONE had done with me since 1997. Pity it never
really went anywhere."
"And the Echoing
Wolves really weren't a bad idea. It's highly unlikely that when
mutants inherit the Earth, we'll remain so diverse."
"Only the strong shall survive!"
".....yeah. So like
mutations banding together wasn't a bad idea, it was just that they all
looked identical, and got no characterisation. That, and Chuck getting
my powers wrong for the sake of gratuitous nudity."
'mourning Psylocke' worked as an explanation for why I'd been
so...off...since the Casey issues, but...blood of healing? Which worked
by pressing my naked chest against other people's naked chests? I miss
the Comics Code already."
"Yeah, and when did you get a thing for teenage girls, you dirty old man?"
"It's just unacceptable!"
"I hope they lock all three of you away."
"Austen says she's 18, dammit!"
"You'll never know the truth! And since you chose me over Stacy-X, we never have to even mention her ever again."
"Damn you, Angel and/or Austen, you stole Husk from me! Now I have nothing left to live for, and to Weapon-X I shall go!"
"And then I woke up."
"And it all went to H*ll. Seriously, the X-Men just let me wander around, being freakin' insane, trying to kill Flatscan Annie and all, and don't even notice."
"I remember we had a fight with Alpha Flight, but not why?"
"It's...what we do?"
"No, they wanted to take Sammy home."
"I hate you so much."
"And then we capitalised on the success of the X2 movie, with the 25c issue, featuring the return of the Church of Humanity..."
"Dude, don't even go there."
to vent my fury! First he has me quit the church over lust for that
scaly mutant hooker, then he writes this? Poor Skin and Jesse Bedlam
died for this mess! He berated my religion while not even bothering to
get his facts right! And then there's that whole exploding wafers
now it's my turn. I got letters from Jean, MJ and the Vision, all
telling me to get out of UXM fast, that just being played as "cold and
distant" so as to appear like the worse option in a triangle was bad
enough, but I was freakin' insane just to make Flatscan Annie
look like The Right Choice. But no, it was my first starring role in
the core books since....uh....I don't even know how long, so I couldn't
bring myself to walk away."
"And then you went crazier, so I chose Flatscan Annie, since she wasn't insane, just sex-obsessed and irritating."
"With a creepy kid who gave you that cop-out "fell in love in your dreams" crap, too."
"But even though you were still clearly insane, we did nothing about it."
"Aside from learning that Our Lord Magneto is my true father."
"Well, Austen just inherited that from Morrison, right?"
"No, I was crazy when I said that. Well, crazier. He didn't have to run with it."
"And he got Skin's Slave Name wrong!"
"But we did get to stand on his grave, and have that deep and meaningful conversation about guys we want to do."
"That was truly the single most appropriate and respectful moment of our lives."
"Do we have to talk about "The Draco" now? My own mother, sleeping with The Devil. Austen made me the AntiChrist."
"But it's cool
because it disproves religion as just some mutants people mistook for
angels and demons, no? Even if Azazel's plot made no sense if he could
already get to Earth, it's all good."
"I can't believe you slept with The Devil. I'm so freakin' embarrassed."
"Oh come on, it's not as embarrassing as when I slept with Fantomex. Or Wolverine."
"I'm standing right here, bub!"
"I hated that story. I can't believe Havok threatened to urinate on me."
"Don't think I won't still do it."
"And all Warren's yelling for me? That means he loves me more than he loved Psylocke or Candy."
"And I showed up, and gave away my evil-ness a whole week before I was unmasked!"
"Ah, The G:DR called you as a villain-in-disguise right from the start."
"Yeah, but he thought I was Apocalypse."
"Well, Morrison's 'first
mutant' line in some interview? The irony of Scott's new friend being
his arch-enemy? The Big A having taken up using host-bodies, and being
mentioned a few times during the run?"
"Damn, maybe I should've been Apocalypse. That might not have been retconned so fast."
"And then I
got put on trial for beating up the Alpha Flight Power Rangers. I got
to fight Rhino and the new Juggernaut, and sleep with She-Hulk."
"It's funny because that actually happened."
say Austen only did that because he wasn't allowed to try and let
Nocturne's parents get together in the Marvel Universe."
"Well, it is
even more of a stupidly random pairing than Juggernaut and She-Hulk.
And what part of 'alternate reality' don't you get?"
"They say "She Lies With Angels" was editorially-mandated? Does that mean it's mean to mock it?"
"If it hadn't dragged on for 5 issues, and Lorna hadn't pointlessly flashed me, maybe."
"I loved that one. It's the one where I got to take Husk's Special First Time, in mid-air. In front of her mother."
"Even I bow in
awe and respect to you, O king of Dirty Old Mutants. I never got to do
anything like that to Kitty or Jubilee. And anyway, then we went to
Genosha to bury Our Lord Magneto."
"That wasn't Him, it was Xorn."
"Quiet! He's not
supposed to find out yet! And all of Logan's drama-queen raging
would've been tolerable if someone had been able to make a sane and
credible counter-argument in support of a decent funeral afterwards."
"But instead I gave you another crazy rant."
"And I went with Beast to find out what happened to Casandra Nova..."
"She's Ernst, you fool! It said so right there in NXM #154!"
couldn't follow that stuff at all after that Fantomex thing. And you
and Jean never told Beast, Xorn or myself, anyway. So we went to look
for her, then a robot fell on us, so we forgot all about it."
"Well, so long as I've left the X-Men in safe hands..."
"'den Gambit, he go to China wit' de X-Men, an' he go blind!"
"Ah warned y'all that'd happen one day if y'all didn't stop playing with your cards!"
"And here I am, because you demanded Xorn!"
"And you got written out almost immediately afterwards, too. What was the point, bub?"
"Yeah, say 'Hi' to Maggott for us when you inevitably get to the Weapon-X death-camp."
"But only I can control his powers, because I am the greatest X-Man ever."
"On behalf of the entire
Brotherhood, none of whom except maybe Avalanche had micros to bring
here, The One True Heir of Our Lord Magneto must complain about our
pathetic treatment. No plan, our powers forgotten, my previous
status-quo ignored, Sabretooth's years-long push thrown away..."
"That's what you guys get for killing Sammy!" *cries*
"I can't believe you used to give me nightmares."
"And now we're all 'dead'. At least you know you'll be back eventually, Juggernaut."
"Heir of Our Lord Magneto? And the new-found daughter of Our Lord Magneto? At least Austen didn't make me throw myself at you."
"Do not talk about The One
True Heir of Our Lord Magneto like that! ....I gotta go. I gotta go
sleep. Alone. I gotta go sleep alone."
"And if you and your Brotherhood come back, I'll trash you on my own again, because I AM the greatest X-Man ever."
"Don't make me come down there. You know who sells these books."
"That's what I'm the best at!"
"So, was it truly The Worst X-Men Ever?"
"A strong contender, at least."
"Hey, I liked it."
"Me too. In mid-air, man. Right in front of her mother!"
"I am so jealous of you, bub."
The above is a parody. All characters ™ © Marvel Comics.
All micros property of their respective designers - if you want to be credited, e-mail microadv (at-sign) graffiti.net.