The Gambit & Rogue Story: It's a Micro Adventure!
In celebration of their upcoming reuinion, we present the saga of everyone's 3rd favourite X-Men couple!
: "It's the Gambit and Rogue Story!"
: "I first met Gambit when I was a child..."
: "You'd known him that long?"
: "No, the second time I was a child. Please, do not ask."
: "Gambit, he save Stormy from de Shadow King, and she bring him to de X-Men."
: "Gambit fought with us in Genosha, against Cameron Hodge and his forces."
: "And I did defeat Wolverine in de Danger Room, I gar-on-tee."
: "You got lucky, bub. That's all."
: "Marrow beat you to, old man. You losin' it."
: "Yeah? Let's go, right now."
: "Bang. You dead."
: "Grr. Next time, Gambit, I'll get you next time."
: "Anyway, ah first met Gambit after ah returned to the X-Men."
: "Gambit, he be workin' his way with de ladies on Jean Grey, but it was just a fake robot Jean that exploded."
: "We went through about six of those exploding robots until you finally learned to stop talking to her."
: "And Gambit, he thank you, because it was then, he notice Rogue."
: "Wait. Ah was yoah second choice?"
: "Third, actually. But Stormy, she was a child when we met, and dey got laws against that."
: "No! Say it isn't so!"
: "At first, ah didn't want Gambit flirting with me, 'cause I can't touch anybody, but then, Bishop showed up."
: "And then Roguey had competition for Gambit."
: "That's not how it happened at all. I believed you to be the traitor who betrays the X-Men in my time."
: "And Rogue defended me from your accusations. And den, Gambit's wife showed up."
: "And ah was all angry, 'cause y'all nevah told us you was married."
: "But Belladonna, she die when we fightin' de Brood in de caverns beneath New Orleans, so it didn't matter."
: "Caverns? Isn't the city beneath sea level?"
: "We were all there."
: "Indeed, it's an indisputable fact that they're there."
: ".......why couldn't I have gotten trapped in the future? The past is stupid."
: "By de time de Legacy Virus was making us all afraid we gon' die, an' Magneto was threatenin' de world, Gambit, he finally get to take Rogue on a date."
: "Ah even offered to tell y'all mah real name."
: "But Gambit, he not want to know. We all have our secrets, I gar-on-tee."
: "An' Sabretooth kept hintin' you had some real bad secrets, but we didn't want to believe him."
: "Well, who would? He be all evil, an' eatin' people."
: "I knew you back when you were a thief, Gambit. I knew you were no good."
: "It not Gambit's fault he get adopted into de T'ieves' Guild. Why, daddy, why you make Gambit a T'ief?"
: "Ah never trusted a word Sabretooth said, an' even though we could nevah touch, ah knew Gambit and me were supposed to be together."
: "Even Belladonna bein' alive...somehow...didn't stop us."
: "When it looked like we were all gonna die, we finally kissed...."
: "....and then the timeline was re-written, an' ah was married to Magneto."
: "Gambit, he settle for Lila Cheney, but he never get over losin' Roguey to Magneto, I gar-on-tee."
: "She'll never leave me. And you'll still run errands for me, so long as I tell you the fate of the world depends on it."
: "But Gambit, he get to kill Colossus, so it all work out OK in de end."
: "No, it worked out OK because I stopped Legion from killing Professor X."
: "No, Gambit, he sure dat it be killin' Colossus that save de world an' repair de timeline."
: "But then, Gambit was in a coma from our kiss. And I had absorbed some of his memories, of something really bad he did. Ah couldn't take it, an ran away from the X-Men."
: "And I went with you, to make a move while Gambit was gone make sure you stayed out of trouble."
: "Yoah such a good friend, Bobby."
: "Yeah. Friend. Great."
: "Gambit, he wake up, and he know that Rogue knows what he knows about what he did. And he knows that she knows that he knows about what he did."
: "What?"
: "It mean Gambit, he have to go find Rogue, an' make sure she don't know what Gambit knows about what Gambit did."
: "Ah didn't know the details, ah just knew y'all did somethin' so bad, ah had to get away from you."
: "She never suspected that Gambit belongs to Sinister."
: "Gambit, don't tell me you've got a secret husband as well as a wife you never told us about."
: "No, it not like that. Much. Gambit, he done work for Sinister. Bad work."
: "Ah just kept on runnin'. One day, ah met Joseph, an' thought maybe ah could stop runnin'."
: "But Gambit came looking for us, and he brought the Avengers with him."
: "Seems Onslaught was dat X-traitor Bishop was huntin' for..."
: "And I was so sure it was you."
: "I AM REBORN! BEHOLD MY MIGHTY HAND!"
: "We don't have time t'fight y'all now, can ya come back later?"
: "So be it! We fight at midnight! Wear something sexy."
: "........."
: "We knew Onslaught was connected to Magneto. So Gambit, he bring backup to bring you down, I gar-on-tee."
: "Then we realised Magneto wasn't evil, he was an amnesiac, and younger than his children."
: "So we decided to forgive him, give him a second chance, and stop hating him."
: "You really managed to keep that going for a long time, didn't you?"
: "....uh...I'm using 'I'd gone insane' as my excuse for anything I've said or done in the last decade."
: "And so it came to pass that I joined the X-Men, alongside Rogue and Gambit. It was so much fun!"
: "Gambit hate you so much, Joseph."
: "At Christmas, Joseph kissed me, and it was the best night of my life."
: "Gambit really, really hate Joseph."
: "Don't hate me for being awesome."
: "And then Gladiator sent us into space, t'fight the Phalanx. When ah thought ah was gonna die, ah told Gambit ah loved him."
: "Ha! Eat it, Joseph!"
: "An' when we got back to Earth, we got captured by some folks who didn't like Gambit at all."
: "Which could describe most people on Earth."
: "We were all powerless, and chained up in a cave..."
: "So there was clearly no better moment than to let Gambit be my Special First Time."
: "She's all class, and that's why we love her."
: "Despite how mah inability to control mah power was linked to mah own psychological touch-issues, when mah power was gone, there was clearly no better idea than to make dirty love to Gambit, right there in front of Hank, Trish, Joseph, Spat and Grovel."
: "Hey, Joseph, I've seen something you haven't."
: "Actually, we all saw everything you two were doing. My eyes may never recover."
: "And then, I put Gambit on trial, as the true extent of his heinous crimes were revealed! He assembled the Marauders for Sinister, and led them into the Morlock tunnels, where they massacred many mutants!"
: "Even ah couldn't forgive this, an' we left Gambit behind to die in Erik the Red's polar base, which once belonged to Magneto."
: "Little did the X-Men ever suspect that I, Erik the Red, was secretly Magneto."
: "Until we found out a few years later, by watching your video-diary."
: "You....saw my video-diary? Tell me you didn't watch the whole thing. Please."
: "Oh, I saw everything."
: ".....I can't deal with this."
: "Wait. If Magneto's Magneto, who am I?"
: "Oh, you were just a clone. And it was you in that video diary, not me."
: "Yes, sure it was."
: "So ah got back to the X-Men, an' missed Gambit so bad, an' not bein' able t'touch anyone was makin' me go crazy. I went to see a scientist who said he could take mah powers away."
: "But I stopped you, and destroyed his work."
: "You're such a bad mother to me."
: "Then Gambit, he come back to de X-Men!"
: "And we just took you back, because your betrayal of your species didn't really bother us that much, once we'd had time to think about it."
: "Da! Was only Morlocks!"
: "It's not like any real X-Men got hurt."
: "........"
: "Oh. Yeah. Sorry Warren, I forget you exist sometimes."
: "I noticed."
: "Ah couldn't stay mad at Gambit for long, and after a time-travel adventure boosted his powers, we could touch again."
: "It be a long story, involvin' de Sinister of de past inserting a piece of Gambit's brain dat de Sinister of de present had removed so Gambit, he can control his power."
: "Yet to this day, he refuses to give back the piece of brain that would prevent you from being an idiot."
: "So, despite how mah inability to control mah power was linked to mah own psychological touch-issues, when mah power was gone, there was clearly no better idea than to make dirty love to Gambit."
: "Gambit eventually burn out his new power fightin' a crazy Gambit from another reality, which mean Gambit's sex life also burn out."
: "Ah also kissed Colossus around this time, but we don't like to talk about that."
: "An' Roguey, she touch a Skrull telepath, an go crazygonuts."
: "Suddenly, ah could manifest any power ah'd ever absorbed, at random, and uncontrollably. Ah have no idea what was going on there, but it wasn't a good time for me."
: "Then, I recruited a team of X-Men to hunt down the diaries of Destiny. They needed to be more than uncanny. They needed to be...X-Treme!"
: "Roguey go with Storm, but Gambit, he get left behind, and go on a fun adventure with Bishop."
: "Call me 'chere' again, and I WILL shoot you."
: "We met up with Gambit again in Australia, where he'd been framed for a murder he didn't commit."
: "Framed by Lady Mastermind, who we'd later recruit into the X-Men."
: "We really are idiots, aren't we?"
: "After we both nearly died stoppin' an invasion by Khan, we both lost our powers."
: "So, despite how mah inability to control mah power was linked to mah own psychological touch-issues, when mah power was gone, there was clearly no better idea than to make dirty love to Gambit. And get tattooed, and kiss Bishop."
: "Love triangle ahoy!"
: "No. Please, no."
: "While Roguey wasn't lookin' Gambit, he kiss Stormy, too."
: "What?"
: "It not mean nothin' chere. Gambit, he can't change who he is."
: "Then we stopped bein' all X-treme, and returned to the regular X-Men, where we fought some Chinese immortals."
: "An' Gambit, he play with his cards until he go blind."
: "Fortunately, I was able to restore Gambit's powers."
: "By makin' out with me."
: "What?"
: "Can Gambit help it if de ladies, dey can't resist him?"
: "You could try? Y'all tried after that Golgotha monster reminded us how hard it is to be together when we can't touch."
: "And Mystique disguised herself as a creepy teenager to try and seduce me."
: "Try?"
: "Momma, tell me y'all didn't sleep with mah man."
: "It was the only way to prove he wasn't good enough for you."
: "........you really couldn't think of any other way?"
: "No, it was the only possible way. It's not like I enjoyed it or anything."
: "Liar! You came back for more!"
: "Y'all told me nothin' happened between you, Gambit!"
: "An' Gambit tell you again, nothin' did happen. Gambit, he would never cheat on you. Except around de same time, back in New Orleans, with dat girl who turned out to be evil an' tried t'kill Gambit. But I kept you from seein' de video of that, so you don't know, an' it don't matter."
: "........Now I know, Gambit."
: "And knowing is half the battle!"
: "But Gambit, he feelin' ignored, unappreciated, and un-noticed, as mutants hit their low-point, when de Decimation occur, and de Sentinels take over de school. De X-Men even allow Mystique in, despite Gambit's objection."
>: "Fortunately for you, Apocalypse returned, to save mutants from extinction!"
: "An' so, with no-one else offerin' any kind of hope at all, or even acknowledging Gambit exists, it was up to Gambit to join Apocalypse, an' become de new Horseman of Death."
>: "And so, I rebuilt your body, to be my new, gas-blasting minion. And castrated you."
: "Why would you do that?"
>: "It seemed funny at the time. Still does."
: "Apocalypse also made me his Horseman of Famine."
: "New legs, Shiro! You got new legs!"
: "I am the Horseman of Death! I know no love and feel no pain!"
:"Gambit actually hit me, but ah still loved him. Even when Sunfire took him away from us."
: "Sunfire teaches that I must let go of my attachments, to Rogue, to the X-Men, to Apocalypse, even to Bishop."
: "And so they joined me."
>: "Ingrates! Traitors! I shall show no mercy!"
: "Rather than break down an' cry over losin' Gambit again, ah threw mahself into leading a squad of X-Men, mostly made up of really obvious traitors."
: "Sinister, he restore Gambit to his old self, an' send me an' Sunfire to kill Cable."
: "Yeah, thanks for that."
: "But ah'm sure there ain't nothing Gambit can do, that I can't forgive, and the X-Men won't let him back for."
: "Dat's a fact, I gar-on-tee."
: "Hello? He killed me? Anyone?"
: "Ah, quit whinin'. You'll be back."
: "Avenge me, father! Avenge me!"
: "So, wait. Who were everyone's first and second favourite X-Men couple?"
: "Jean and I were first, surely we're #1?"
: "OK, an' de big number #2?"
: "Sorry, Gambit."
: "Gambit hate you, Joseph."
The above is a parody. All characters ™ © Marvel Comics.
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