Because You Demanded It - The 'Special First Time' Micro Adventure, & The Mojo Network

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: "Ah, a whole day to sit back and watch television."

: "Your Earth shows are not fitting for a warrior-born. Let us watch The Mojo Network."

: "Whatever, dude."

------------------

11:53

: "Remember, Cable, if this bomb goes off, it could trigger another world war. Millions could die."

: "I'm aware of that, Mr President. And I have one of the terrorists cornered now, so I'm going to have to end this call."

11:55

: "Tell me where the bomb is!"

: "Nyet, comrade."

: "Tell me where the bomb is!"

: "I will never talk!"

: "Tell me where the bomb is!"

: "I die before I talk!"



11:57

: "Cable! Can you hear me?"


: "I hear you, Dom."

: "I have bad news. Your son Tyler's trapped in a log cabin, with an angry bear."

: "......damn. Just tell him to hold on until I can get there."

: "Any news on the bomb?"

: "Omega Red wouldn't talk, we're no closer to finding out where the bomb is. And I'm afraid we may have a traitor within X-Force. We can't trust anyone."

: "No....you can't."

11:59

: "Cable! I've found the bomb! It's...in my arm!"

: "......damn."

12:00

------------

: "Wow."

: "OK, that was pretty cool. What's on next?"

------------

: "Hey yo, X-Men!"

: "You know who we are."

: "And we're here to destroy you! Forever!"

: "We challenge three of your best, to face us, and our mystery ally!"

: "By God! Who could the mystery man be?"

------------

: "I'm sure I've seen this before. Change the channel."

------------

: "Pah-raise to Our Lord Magneto! Open up your wallets! Open up your bank accounts and give to the Acolyte Church! Give!"

: "See the great works of Our Lord Magneto! This man's life was saved by the power of Our Lord!"

: "It is true. I had spent many centuries in suspended animation, until the power of Lord Magneto awakened me, and gave me a new life."

: "You, too, can have your life transformed, by the power of Lord Magneto! Relinquish your wealth to Him, and be saved!"

: "Tell the viewers why the Acolytes are the best religion in the world!"

: "Because no other deity - not a one - regularly comes down to Earth to protect His followers, and kick the crap out of the unbelievers! You don't even get that from Thor!"

: "And we get to live in space!"

------------------

: "Change the channel, they're gonna keep going on like that all night."

: "You sure? It sounds like a pretty good deal."

: "No, let's see what else is on."

----------------

: "Hello, and welcome back to

: "Our topics for today include mutant mullets: Hair-crime, or the new trend?"



: "Mutant hillbillies: Threat or Menace?"

: "Yee-ha! Ah'm muh own uncle, cousin and brother!"

: "Famous mutant scientist, The Beast, is here, live, to end his long-running pretending-to-be-gay charade!"

: "I just can't live a lie anymore."

: "But his boyfriend thinks Beast brought him here to propose!"

: "This is the happiest day of my life!"

: "But first, embarrassing older relatives!"

: "He was always creepy, but now..."

: "What up, G?"

: "Just...stop talking like that. Please."

---------------

: "I think this show is killing my brain."

: "Silence! This was required viewing in the Mojoverse!"

---------------

: "We now interrupt " for a series of personal interviews with the X-Men themselves!"

-----------

: "Now this should be good!"

-----------

: "It all started, when I got some mail asking me 'Who did the X-Men lose their virginity to?' And, being the genius that I am, I thought to myself, 'let's go and ask them'. Then I thought 'Mojo, you're a genius!' And so, here we are."

: "So, if we answer your stupid questions, you're gonna leave us alone, right?"

: "Maybe."

: "Dat be good enough for Gambit."

: "All I have to do is interview Xavier, Cyclops, Iceman, Phoenix, Polaris, Wolverine, Storm, Nightcrawler, Shadowcat, Psylocke, Gambit, Northstar and the White Queen, and then I'm gone. I promise."

---------- Professor X ----------

: "Well, it was when I was at university, that I met my first love...."

: "Magneto!"

: "How many times do I have to tell you, Wolverine? Magneto and I were never lovers!"

---------- Cyclops ----------

: "I thought my Special First Time was with the love of my life, Jean Grey, but that moment was stolen from by the Phoenix Entity!"

: "Ha ha!"

: *cries*

---------- Iceman ----------

: "I don't really have anything to talk about."

: "But you must have slept with Opal Tanaka and her Giant Pants, because you thought you were the father of her baby."

: "Well, I thought so, because she said I was. But I don't see how that's connected."

: "Bobby, where do you think babies come from?"

: "....uh...I....have no idea. The Moon?"

: "This is what you get for making ice-slides while I was trying to educate you."

---------- Professor X ----------

: "And so, then, while I was in the army, I met..."

: "Juggernaut!"

: "*sigh* No, not Juggernaut, Logan."

---------- Phoenix ----------

: "Well, it was with Cyclops, of course, and..."

: "Wait, aren't you dead?"

: ".....no, that was Phoenix. I'm Jean, see?"

: "Just stop already, you're making my brain hurt."

---------- Polaris ----------

: "Wolverine."

: "What? I never..."

: "I know. But I refuse to give away my private and personal details on this stupid show. And giving him an answer will get rid of him."

: "Wait, are you saying it wasn't me?"

: "What, like you care anymore?"

: "....no, not really. It's just the principle of it."

---------- Wolverine ----------

: "I have no idea, bub. Weapon-X screwed with my memories so much, I don't know what's real anymore. I can't remember my real first time, just my first time since WWII ended. And I can't talk about that one, if Spider-Man finds out, he'll kill me."

: "I know about your first time, Logan. You don't, because your mind heals over your most traumatic memories."

: "So who was it, bub?"

: "It was your left hand, Logan."

: "And I can't even remember enough to prove you wrong..."

: "Maybe now you'll stop interrupting me when it's my turn."

---------- Storm ----------

: "Ah, Storm. The original girl all the bad guys want. Who was it? Shadow King? Arkon? Dracula? Loki? Brainchild? Khan? Callisto?"

: "I am sworn to secrecy."

: "No, we shouldn't have to hide it anymore."

: "We never should have. And now I can take my place as Queen of the Galaxy!"

: "Wow. What're the chances? And I was sure it was either me or Yugio."

---------- Nightcrawler ----------

: "It was with my step-sister, Amanda."

: "Step-sister? You freak!"

: "Oh, come on, I'm a priest! It could've been a lot worse."

: "That's true, as we're about to see..."

---------- Artie ----------

: "Where did Michael Jackson touch you?"

: " "

: "And how did that make you feel?"

: " "

: "I would never hurt a child!"

: " "

: "None of this is admissable as evidence against my client!"

: "Woo-hoo!"

---------- Shadowcat ----------

: "As I walk you to the dance floor..."
: "We begin to dance slow..."
: "Put yo' arms around me..."
: "I'm feelin' on yo' booty."

: "So why are you such a magnet for dirty old men, Shadowcat? And was your first time really with Warren Ellis Pete Wisdom?"

: "No, it was long before that."

: "When Storm stuck her hand down your pants?"

: "No, not then. And it was actually the White Queen's hand."

: "I'm not even gonna ask. But if you've got footage, it'll make us both rich."

: "No, it was around the time we first met the Morlocks."

: "Caliban loves the KittyPryde."

: "Why, Katya, why?"

: "At least he can be bothered to get my name right. What's wrong with you?"

---------- Forge ----------

: "First time I ever got screwed was by my own country, when I got back from 'Nam. Damn hippies, lining up to spit on me, I hate them!"

---------- Professor X ----------

: "So, my travels took me to Egypt, and that's where I met..."

: "The Shadow King!"

: "Damn you Logan, stop interrupting me! It wasn't The Shadow King!"

---------- Rogue ----------

: "Roguey's first time, it be wit' Gambit, in de caves. We be watched by Spat & Grovel, I gar-on-tee."

: "Nice. Real classy."

: "Gambit? Ah don't know how t'tell you, but that wasn't really mah first time."

: "Say it ain't true, chere!"

: "It was with Joseph."

: "It's true, it's true."

: "Gambit hate you so much, Joseph."


---------- Psylocke ----------

: "What? I was supposed to remember names?"

: "How about if I let you pick from a lineup?"






: "Any idea yet?"

: "Sorry, no idea."

---------- Gambit ----------

: "Gambit not talkin' to you, he still in shock from what Rogue said."

---------- Northstar ----------

: "Marvel won't let me have a sex life."

: "Just because you're..."

: "Yes, just because I'm French-Canadian. And now I'm an evil zombie, who hungers for your brains."

---------- White Queen ----------

: "You're joking, surely?"

: "But aren't you sleeping with Cyclops?"

: "No, but thanks to my telepathic skills, he thinks I am."

: "Oh Lordy, this day has just been one trauma after another."

---------- Professor X ----------

: "So, after my body was taken over by an alien Brood Queen, and my mind transferred into a clone body, I was finally able to be with..."

: "The Brood Queen that took over your old body!"

: "Why do you have to ruin everything for me, Logan?"

-----------------------

: "And so there they are, the shocking, sordid, seedy secrets of the X-Men!"

: "And now, Today's Final Thought from

: "Your virginity is something special, and you shouldn't just throw it away just for the sake of doing it. Don't be pressured or forced into it, because there are no second chances."

: "It really should be with someone you love, when and where you choose. Not with some fat bald guy who says he'll make you a movie star."

: "No way was that yoah first time, sugah!"

: "Ah, you can't prove otherwise. Go put on another live sex show in a cave, you pervert!"

: "Ah never knew they could see us! Ah'm so embarrassed."

: "That's all, folks!"

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The above is a parody. All characters ™ © Marvel Comics.
All micros property of their respective designers - if you want to be credited, e-mail microadv (at-sign) graffiti.net.