Xorn for Dummies: It's a Micro Adventure!

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: Hi, heroes! Stan Lee here, with the Mighty Marvel Micros, to smack some sense into one of the most mystifying men of the modern age: Xorn! Who, what and why is he?"

: "And now, over to your hosts, Professor X, Wolverine and Magneto!"

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: "Thank you. Now, as I'm sure everyone remembers, our story started when the X-Men went to China..."

: "No, it starts in Genosha, when you let that animal Wolverine gut me."

: "And killed you. And you were asking for it, bub."

: "No, he wasn't, Logan."

: "......hello? Chuck? He crucified you?"

: "I choose not to remember that."

: "And I clearly didn't die there."

: "No, why, just two months later, we saw you in a wheelchair. You just crippled him, Logan. And temporarily, at that."

: "But then the Sentinels killed him, right?"

: "Well, four giant Sentinels did manage to sneak up on, and destroy one of the most advanced nations on the planet, but no, I did not die there."

: "But you left a recording of your last words, for Chuck and Jean to find, during their Cyclops Avoidance World Tour 2002."

: "Did you ever consider maybe I lied, to fake my death?"

: "......no."

: "Well, believe it!"

: "But...Chuck declared you dead, too."

: "I was lying too, Logan."

: "Dammit. Can't trust anyone these days."

: "So anyway, there I was, hiding out on Genosha, recovering from my injuries, sinking into depression after my dream fell down around me, and avoiding the other survivors because they were people like Toad and Unus..."

: "...meanwhile, my evil twin took over my body..."

: "You're kidding, right?"

: "No, not at all."

: "It doesn't feel like it's still the 1960s to me."

: "Anyways, she outed me from the mutant-closet, and expanded the X-Men's operations worldwide, for the purposes of destroying everything I hold dear, while I was forced to not-be-able-to-watch from within her corpse."

: "That....doesn't even make sense."

: "It did at the time. Didn't it?"

: "Don't ask me, you know how bad my memory is."

: "Well, it was during that time that some of my X-Men investigated a mutant-organ-harvesting ring in China, which led to them freeing a mutant named Kuan-Yin Xorn."

: "Thanks to Frost's non-existant powers of psychometry, we learned that Xorn had been imprisoned by the Chinese government ever since his mutant power first surfaced."

: "Cyclops talked him into joining the X-Men rather than committing suicide and taking the planet with him. So Xorn went off to live in a monastry."

: "Where he stayed, until Cyclops brought him in to help save us from Nano-Sentinel infection."

: "Xorn helped us defeat my evil twin, then healed my body so I could walk again."

: "What was that, the third time?"

: "Fourth. Anyways, we rewarded Xorn by letting him teach our retard class."

: "Tell the truth, Chuck. No-one else wanted that job."

: "So, Xorn helped us out stopping a riot at our school, and denied any involvement in the 'murder' of Frost..."

: "...only to be unmasked as Magneto, re-cripple Chuck, destroy the school, and hurl me and Jean into the sun."

: "All of which came as a big surprise to me, since I was pretty sure he was still on Genosha."

: "Well, I was."

: "His victory over the X-Men complete, Xorn wandered off and got high."

: "And then Magneto trashed New York, herded thousands of humans into furnances..."

: "No, Wolverine, Xorn did that, not me."

: "But...he said he was you. Looked and sounded like you, too."

: "Does any of that sound like something I would do? Why would Xorn herd flatscans into furnaces, anyway?"

: "Hmmmm....."

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: "Full speed ahead! We're sailing this island home to China!"

: "We cannot go any faster, captain!"

: "Throw more flatscans on the fire!"

: "Aye aye, captain! Work faster, you dogs! More flatscans on the fire!"

: "Yes sir! More flatscans on the fire!"

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: ".......no. Probably not."

: "Then he killed Jean..."

: "How many times is that now?"

: "First time it was the real her (as far as we know, anyway), really dying."

: "...and so I clawed your head right off, live on television. Why aren't you dead?"

: "Because I wasn't Xorn. As we've been explaining, if you'd just listen."

: "You were Xorn, dammit! Xorn on drugs!"

: "Magneto Says No To Drugs. When I want to boost my powers, I work with someone like Polaris or Fabian Cortez, or I use my scientific genius to build a tower that increases my abilities."

: "Or that jet-pack costume."

: "Yes, or that."

: "Or a giant magnet."

: "You had to go there?"

: "You would've, if you were me. Anyway, I took Xorn's corpse to Genosha for a funeral, to help convince the world Magneto was dead. Remember, Logan? You threw a hissy-fit at the funeral."

: "He killed Jean!"

: "No, Xorn did. Then you killed him."

: "Then you met up with me, revealing that I'd been alive, well, and not-Xorn, all along. And that you'd know this all along."

: "Why do you keep keeping secrets from us, Chuck?"

: "Look how well you're coping with this information. It's for the best that I never tell you anything, Logan."

: "....berserker...rage...building..."

: "So, while I was on Genosha, Havok's X-Men went to China, and found...another Xorn!"

: "Another one?"

: "Yes. Shen Xorn, the brother of the original, confirming Xorn's existence and his not being Magneto."

: "Told you."

: "Dammit."

: "The X-Men had to fight a group of immortal martial artists and the Collective Man to rescue him. It went something like this..."

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: "Another Xorn! Only I can save us from his Black Hole of Suck!"

: "Xorn is a prisoner of China!"

: "Oh no! The Corrective Man!"

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: "Oh, come on. Surely he didn't really talk like that."

: "Don't ask me. I'm just imagining what it was like, based on Havok's mission report, and my own personal experience of offensive Asian stereotypes."

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: "You pay me five dorrar, Mistah Professah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!"

: "Oh yeah."

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: "....you didn't!"

: "Oh yeah."

: "Then (a strangely under-powered) Exodus formed a new Brotherhood, including (a strangely ineffectual) Sabretooth, to avenge Magneto's death."

: "......maybe I should tell him I'm alive."

: "Second Xorn sucked them into his Black Hole of Suck, then wandered off, and got high."

: "And Mojo eventually sent the Brotherhood home."

: "The my crazy daughter.....uh, one of my crazy daughters....caused the 'Decimation' event, leading to most mutants losing their powers."

: "Including Shen Xorn. No-one knows if he survived the experience."

: "But Kuan-Yin Xorn's consciousness survived his body's death, and somehow took control of a 'collective' of the ex-mutants' powers, which he then brought to Genosha, merging with me, raising an army of zombies, and fighting the New Avengers."

: "Until they managed to separate you. Then the Sentry threw the Collective, Xorn and all, into the Sun."

: "Where he also stashed The Void. That's never going to come back and bite anyone...."

: "And then I died in a helicopter explosion."

: "Yeah. Right."

: "So...what about that stuff about your daughter resurrecting you after one of your deaths?"

: "Since I never actually died, that's just baseless speculation."

: "Yes. Stop mentioning it, and it'll go away."

: "And if you weren't Xorn, why did Xorn think he was you?"

: "Lots of people want to be me."

: "Maybe he was always insane. Maybe something drove him insane."

: "Something like Magneto's crazy daughter?"

: "They never even met! How would that even make sense?"

: "I was thinking more something like my evil twin."

: "That again?"

: "....I don't get it. How was Xorn not Magneto? How is Magneto not dead?"

: "Did you not listen to a word we were saying?"

: "Not to anything that gets in the way of my vendetta against Magneto, no."

: "Would you just let it go already?"

: "Never! I want Magneto to be Xorn, be dead, and stay dead!"

: "Like that'll ever happen. Idiot."

: "Dammit, Wolverine, do your part to save the franchise, and shut the #@*&%$ up about Xorn!"

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: "And there you have it! Xorn explained so that anyone could understand it!"

: "Can't handle the truth? Well...."

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The above is a parody. All characters ™ © Marvel Comics.
All micros property of their respective designers - if you want to be credited, e-mail microadv (at-sign) graffiti.net.